Are you in there?

Something odd happened to me this weekend. I caught a glimpse of who I once was in the mirror of the church bathroom on Sunday morning. And I liked her a whole lot more than the girl I have turned into in the last two and a half years. I was happy, hopeful and ready to grab life and jump in. A feeling I haven’t had in ages. When I was out talking with folks Saturday morning, I did so with confidence and authority. I sure sounded good, I thought. And I felt alive, and it felt good.

For years now I have simply been chugging along. Just doing what had to be done. Not really happy with anything. Things have been rough. When I tried to make changes last fall and it didn’t happen, I felt horrible. I felt like a huge loser. I knew I wasn’t, deep down, but after a while of hearing it from different people and in different situations you simply begin to believe it. And that is tough. It was a rough winter, at work things were rough, at home the kids were rough, I just didn’t want to deal with anything anymore.

But I persevered. I knew I wanted to make changes, but it was a slow go. This year, I have been trying to change my attitude, but I have been trying to do so in my own way. And really, don’t we all know that doesn’t work. And the horrible week I had last week, paired with the events I attended on Saturday I was forced to turn it all over. And I did with such a desire to change myself and the situation I am currently in and I think I am on the way to becoming that person that I once was and want to be more like today. (Whew! That was a run on, wasn’t it?) And I owe that all to the Lord. He gave me that glimpse of myself in the mirror of the ladies restroom at church on Sunday morning. He let me see that she was still alive and well, buried deep inside me fighting her way to come out. So now I am fighting for her. I am deciding to have fun again, rather than sitting inside alone, I am outside, almost craving the outside. Or if I am inside I am not in front of the TV, I am trying desperately how to learn Photoshop or reading with the kids. I am allowing myself to be ok with me. And I like it.