Monday, October 04, 2010

What? Me worry?

Have you ever thought about turning over something to God? Something you have worried about and worried yourself almost sick? And then you pray about it and then you turn it over, or you think you turned it over. Then it comes back. Or maybe it doesn’t.

A lot of times I would look at people who worried and laughed to myself. Because, while I worry a little, I have always been able to really turn my worries over to God. Just let them go. I just would pray over it and I wouldn’t worry my pretty little head over it anymore. I even prayed for the worriers. Because that is such a horrible thing to have to carry around with you. I really could not understand why they couldn’t let their worries go. Honestly, just give that over to God- He will make it better.

Then I read the following from Frances Chan’s book crazy love:

“Worry implies that we don’t quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough or loving enough to take care of what’s happening in our live.

Stress says that the things we are involved in are important enough to merit our impatience, our lack of grace towards each others, or our tight grip of control.

Basically, these two behaviors communicate that it is okay to sin and not trust God because the stuff in my life is somehow exceptional. Both worry and stress reek of arrogance.”

Wow, ok- so worry I am good with, oh, but the stress. That rings a little too close for comfort. I do stress. And when I do I am in a way worrying, but simply placing a different name to it and reacting differently. How angry that must make God. How dare I think that what I am doing is way more important than anyone else. I was quickly convicted and also, felt a little nauseous.

You see for me, I really do believe that God is big, powerful and loving. I know He is going to take care of anything I might be inclined to worry about. But the stress, oh the stress. I mean- I am a wife, a mother, a teacher with 4 preps, a girl scout leader, a school club sponsor, a friend, a confidant, a Sunday school teacher and the list goes on. How could I NOT stress?

I wanted to fix this, but was not sure how that could be accomplished. Then, the next Sunday in our sermon we learned about the Exodus and how in 14:14 of Exodus, Moses says, “The Lord will fight for you; you only need to be still.” And a wave of still came over me. It is hard to believe that this scripture had never been taught to me before, or at least not when I was paying attention. I checked, none of my Bibles had it underlined. (They do now, but you know, that sermon was a couple of weeks ago now.) And you know what, the more I started to pray that scripture and began to ask for that stress to be taken from me, the better I began to feel. I began to let my stress go. I can’t say that I am cured completely or even forever. But I know now that I have found that when I sit still and let God take the burden for me, that I can and will be ok.

Friday, June 18, 2010

The Plastics

I love having friends.

Now, I know this sounds ridiculous, but I love having friends.

Friends who will text you two days out and say, “hey- you up for lunch and shopping at Goodwill on Friday?”

That is the text I got from Jane two days ago and could hardly wait to have happen.

Candice, Jane and I are friends from school. We all work together and have created is amazing bond over the last two years that rivals almost any other friendship in my life. We are always together. If you can’t find one of us where we “belong” you need to just look in the others rooms. We are the bobby triplets of the high school. In a lot of ways I equate us to the Plastics on Mean Girls. Not that we are mean, but we all have our roll, just as they did in the movie.

Regina: Candice- She is the queen bee and she is always planning and plotting.

Gretchen: Me, because, I have SO many secrets in my hair and I want so much to be loved.

Karen: Jane, she rounds us out and is as sweet as pie, but is a little slow sometimes.

We are the Plastics, but in a nice way. We aren’t out to get those around us, we are not going to take anybody down. But we all three fit into those rolls so perfectly it is almost scary.

Well us three went out for a little lunch, goodwill shopping and Dairy Queen with Jane’s baby. He is almost too cute for words. I ALMOST want another one, but after what I did to myself this week we won’t be having anymore babies. And it was the best time. We gossiped about school and talked about babies and talked about each other and our lives. And we laughed. I laughed so hard that people at the tables around us were looking at me, but I didn’t care. Because when Candice starts in on about the truck driving women her husband works with, it is to die for. I almost wet myself. Luckily I had not had that much to drink. It was SO much fun. The three of us have such a great time with each other and we complement each other so well. Like when Candice told the waiter no guacamole on my dish, because I forgot to tell him- that is a good friend. I miss having them around on a daily basis and laughing and having a great time.vIt almost makes me ready for school to start again, ALMOST.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


I am alone in my home right now.

I sit here in my room alone while my insides begin to heal.

My family has headed out to see a movie to allow me some quiet time.

I can’t sleep.

So, I will write.

I am not sure I have thought provoking or fantastical to say, but I have had the urge to start writing again and I think I will start putting it all on “paper” again this summer.

This morning I had minor surgery. I had been diagnosed with menorrhea. This means that I have excessive, horrific, painful menstrual periods. This had begun probably four to five years ago. It was becoming more and more of a problem so I began to see doctors about it and found out about a procedure last summer. But, I waited and didn’t do anything about it. A year passed and things got worse. So I was on it again. I made the appointments and took care of business. And today was the day.

I was scared.

Really scared.

But I wasn’t really sure what I was scared of. Just that I had a sinking feeling of doom.

I went into the hospital and was scared. But as I was waiting for all of the people to come and see me and for all the nurses and doctors to do their thing I began to feel a wash of calm come over me. I knew at that moment that the prayers I had said and those my friends and family had and were saying were “doing their job.” God gave me a calm. And suddenly I was ok. Then… they came in and gave me valium. HA! I thought, if only you had been here 15 minutes ago! But then, I would not have been reminded that I am not the one in control. That the doctors and nurses are not the ones in control. No, God is the one in control. And He will always find a way to remind you of that.

Monday, June 14, 2010


When I look back at the last two years and the changes in my life that have taken place it is quite amazing. This time two years ago I was in a job that I hated, I was stuggeling with my kiddos and while Josh and I were not in a bad place we certainly were not in a good place either. Then I got the call to ofer me a change at a change. And the transformation began. I truly believe that God was watching every single minute of my life, watching, waiting and anxious for me to learn the lessons that I needed before he moved me along in my life.

I look at myself today and I am such a different person. I stand up for myself. I am more humble. I am looking out for the good of the whole and not just myself. I am learning to like myself a little more. I am learning to not be a door mat. I am learning how to serve in the way Christ would like me to. I am finding a place for me and my family on this, our temporary home. I am talking about Christ more with those around me. I am more open with my problems and struggles. Before I was such a private person. I did not want to share myself with much of anybody. I had a small handful of friends who held what few secrets I would share and I never felt more alone. I never would give myself over to anybody completely- sometimes not even to my husband. I am not perfect now by ANY stretch, but I am learning that by talking to others about my struggles I am not alone. I may be able to help others. I may learn something myself. It has been so rewarding to open myself up to those who have surrounded me and I am feeling so much better about who I am.

Now this isn’t to say I have completely come out of my shell, but I have in fact begun to climb my way out. I am stretching my arms and I really like the view. I like the way it feels to share my life and to be heard. I enjoy listening and growing that bond with those around me. I can’t wait to grow it even more.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Thyroids are for the birds.

When I was 21, only a few short months after I had given birth to my dear daughter Emily, I started to gain weight at an incredibly rapid rate. I was EXHAUSTED and was having other issues, that I won’t share here, because they are gross. Anyhow- I went to the Doctor, because I thought to myself, “Oh, gracious, I think I am pregnant again. Oh and by the way I have a four month old. ACK!”

After talking to the doctor and having a ton of blood work, the nice little doctor sent me home to wait for a call to figure out what was wrong. I went home and the doctor’s office called me that very afternoon to tell me that I needed to come back for more blood work. There had been an error and that they needed to redraw my blood. No problem, except that I am so tired it hurts to even think about walking to the car to drive across town. Once I arrive they take the blood and send me on my marry little way again. I received a call the next day that I was not pregnant, but instead I was broken. I had hypothyroidism. Meaning my thyroid don’t work. It went on vacation and is never coming back. Meaning that my body likes to be tired and fat all the time now, forever. In fact so broken that the doctor was shocked that I was functioning at all. He told me people with less of a “problem” never leave there home because it can be so debilitating. He put me on meds and told me I would feel better soon. The problem was I started to feel ok, but the weight, it never went anywhere.

Now the problem was that I have never enjoyed exercising. I remember in college going to the athletic center and riding the stationary bike for 30 minutes and thinking, “Wow! I am so fit now!” HA!

So I lived my life and the baby weight never went away, but now I had a bit of an excuse plus- there were days in the beginning of my journey that I literally had to drag myself from the bed I was so tired. Simply caring for my child and trying to not live in a pig sty were the more important thing in my life. I got pregnant with Jacob and got a desk job and the weight came on and never went anywhere.

Well, I am tired of it. I began in January eating healthier and have been visiting the gym more often than not. I am trying to go, even when I would rather sit on the couch and stuff myself full of chips. My endurance is raising, but the pounds are staying put. And I am frustrated. I hate my thyroid. I want it to get fixed and make my life a whole lot easier. I want to try to be healthy and see some results. I will stay with it. Because I will win. I am in a competition with myself. I have someplace fabulous to be in August and I want to enjoy it, even if I haven’t lost a single pound- I will have at least gained endurance for the trip. What is most frustrating about it all is that I want it, I am trying, and there are no results.

Also, I literally cannot remember the last time I wasn’t tired. It has been at least 12 years. And that, that really sucks.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

Isaiah 43:18-19

Last night at Bible study the wonderful Georgine shared what may have become my new favorite verse with the group, right as we were closing for the night.

Isaiah 43:18-19 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing!”

I can honestly say that I have never once read this verse and it have any sort of effect on me. But, when she read this out loud to the group I immediately thought about where I was a year ago and where I am today.

This last year has been interesting and full of times to grow as a person, a wife, a mother, a friend and most importantly as a Christian.

As a person I believe I have grown in many ways: like how I approach people, how I can stand up for myself. I have grown in the ways in which I deal with situations that would have at one point left me wringing my hands in worry. Now I simply deal with it and move on to the next problem. I feel much more comfortable with who I am as a person. I believe myself to be a good person, a truly optimistic person, one who really gives people the benefit of the doubt until she is proven wrong. I want all people to be “good” and deserving of one, two and three chances- but at the same time, I also have learned that sometimes my initial opinions of people are incorrect and I can own that and say, “Well, Susan, you gave them the benefit of the doubt. Even when others were unwilling to you did. And they proved you wrong. I am done.” I also feel as though I can stand up for myself a little more and not be such a push over. I am a very deserving person- and while I generally bend over backwards to help or put myself out for others I have learned to see when I am being taken advantage of and I don’t allow that to happen anymore.

As a wife I believe I have grown in the kitchen and as a loving and supportive wife. I believe that I have become more vocal of the support of my husband, both while he is around and not around. I try really hard to only speak highly of him, saying only kind words about him to anybody. Even if I am super angry with him. I learned in a class at church that what I say about him matters, whether he is around to hear it or not. That the words I say about him to another person may be the only impression they would ever have of him. So it is my job to only say positive things.

As a mother I have grown. Dealing with a preteen, who is hormonal and literally about to drive me crazy- I have learned that I have to take a deep breath and keep the calm. I can’t say that I am always 100 percent good at it, but it is something I am always trying to do. If I stay calm, I can help her see that calm is a better way to attack a situation, rather than all crazy upset like she so often likes to try and do. And wouldn’t you know that once I started this tactic she generally responded in a more positive way that when I yelled, kicked and screamed at her. Who would have ever guessed. I am not claiming to be perfect at this yet- I doubt I ever will be- but it is a difference in who I am trying to be, for my sanity and for my daughter and I’s relationship.

As a friend I think I rock! There I said it. I think I am an awesome friend. I am ALWAYS thinking of ways to try and make the friendship better, how to grow it, how to nurture the relationship into a longer lasting organic thing. This past year I have grown many of my friendships. I have gained more close friends than I have had in years. I feel SO blessed by those people who surround me on a day to day basis as well as through my church family and also friends from years past. Anyone who has ever called me a friend is special to me in ways they probably don’t even know and has blessed me in ways I can’t even count. My goal this last year was to do the same to as many others as I was able to.

As a Christian I have grown leaps and bounds. My “new” church family that I have been worshiping with for the last 5 or so years has blessed me in ways I can’t even explain. I feel like we have settled into this family and will be here for the long haul. I feel like we have been blessed by so many at the Round Rock Church of Christ that I can’t even explain it. They have been standing by us, in good times and bad times with no judgement. With some of the drama that has been happening at my “old” church home in NM, I am so happy to have found a home that I feel I fit in- and that is glad to have me. I only hope I can bless them in one ounce of the way they have already blessed me and my family.

While I have always loved Isaiah, I had never had Chapter 43, verse 18-19 strike me like it did last night. But it did. I am such a different person than I was- and I am glad I have forgotten many former things in my life. I am thrilled that I no longer dwell on things in the past. But thrilled to pieces that I am doing new thing and enjoying my life the way it is going right now.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Weekend retreat

This last weekend, I attended a ladies retreat with the women from my church. It was a wonderful time of fellowship and renewal. I went to the retreat excited to hang with my good friend Erica and her buddy Francis. We were going to hang out and really just have a good old time. I went with the expectation that I would enjoy myself- have some good time away from the stresses of my life for a while, but not really walk away from the weekend a different person. I thought that my spiritual life would not be greatly affected – whether this thinking was right- wrong or indifferent, that is what I believed.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was SO thirsty and didn’t even know it.

Friday night I was enjoying myself while we were worshiping and I asked God to let me gain something from the weekend. I opened my heart up and asked that He open my heart and fill it up with all things good and joyful. He heard me loud and clear. He opened my eyes, my heart and my soul and filled me so full of him that I can barely breathe now I am so full.
The theme of the retreat was Homecoming, and it was fun and heartwarming. I had gotten myself into a rut in life, just living day in, day out. Still doing all that I thought I needed to do, but feeling like something was missing- but not really knowing what was not quite right. I couldn’t ever really put my finger on it, except that I was really weighed down by the everyday life. So, when I opened up and let him fill me and it is such a wonderful feeling.

In fact, just last night I grabbed my Bible and flipped it open to a random passage and this is what the Lord led me too: Ephesians 2:1-10

As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised up with Christ and seated is with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith-and this is not from yourself, it is the gift of God- not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advanced for us to do.

Did you read that? Really, really read it? It is AMAZING! I had to slow down, read it out loud to really HEAR it. I read it 4 or 5 times last night just soaking it all in. I think this may be my new favorite passage.

Know that God is has covered us with grace and that he knows we have all been in those trenched, but he there waiting for us. I am so glad to be home.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Archived: A button

In Jacob’s kindergarten class everyday one person gets chosen to pick from the treasure chest. He has gotten to be the lucky winner twice this year. The winner is chosen based on how well they behave during rest time. If you are quiet and don’t wiggle and squirm you get to be the winner.

Jacob was the winner on Monday. He was so tired he slept through rest time, so of course he didn’t talk, wiggle or squirm at all. Poor guy wasn’t used to school after 6 days off.

When we all get home I have started making dinner, spaghetti (an all time fav around here) and Emily says, “ Jacob, show mom what you got from the treasure chest!” I turn around from my browning meat and addition of Girl Scout money on the counter to ask him, “Jacob, what did you choose?” He runs to his backpack and runs back to me with
a button.

“A button, wow, um, that’s nice.”

He just grins at me.

“Well, Jacob, what do you want to do with your button?” “When we go to the store we can buy some yarn and put it on there and swing it around and it will make noise.” he says with more excitement than I could ever muster over a button. “What other stuff was in the treasure box?” I ask, thinking maybe the pickings were slim; it is near the end of the first semester, maybe Mrs. Smith needs to restock. He tells me he skipped over kaleidoscopes and cool sunglasses and pencils. For a button. Now the button rests in a very special spot in my jewelry box, safe from all things evil. He is a special boy; I wouldn’t have him any other way.


Well, I wiped the dust and prettied her up. I feel like I have a lot to say as of late, and I need a place to do it. So, this will be it. I may only have like 1 reader, (hi mom), but that is ok. I got to get the stuff out somewhere and this was a fantastic outlet for me a few years ago, so I am coming home to it.

Be on the look out. I have a few in drafts already with more stewing up in my pea sized brain.

Saturday, January 09, 2010

Howdy there

It has been a while since I sat down to write some of my thoughts and what not down onto “paper”- life with 1 husband, 2 kids, a busy job and animals to boot made time scarce. But I think I am starting to get a grip on the way I should handle myself and my business… so to speak.

We have been a busy bunch in the last several months. I have really come into my own in the last year or so. I feel like I have spent so much of my life trying to please others. I was SUCH a people pleaser. And now I feel that I have my priorities in place. They are in fact my priorities and they don’t always align with what others think I should be doing or how I should be spending my time. But I know myself better than anybody else.

I feel like I have been going to therapy without having gone to therapy. I know understand why people say turning 30 is so wonderful. I have truly become quite introspective. I think about things in such a different way than when I was in my 20’s. I am truly my own person now. I feel like God has put in a place where I can be of service to Him, in my home, in my job and in my church. I have not felt so happy and fulfilled in a long time.