susans world

Where did I go wrong? Why are my mistakes affecting her? It is not fair to her that I had her under the circumstances that I did. She is not to blame for my mistakes, yet she is the one who feels the pain and carries the burden, as we are learning how to parent. All of our mistakes with parenting have been with her, I want nothing more than to stay home with her and allow her to grow into the wonderful young lady that I know she can be. I want to grab my family and move to the country where hard work is required and fun is chasing lightening bugs. Where cable TV is a thing of the past and imagination grows with the fields. I hurt so much for her at this very moment, and I don’t know how to make things better. I need to be there for her more, but I haven’t figured out how to do that yet. I am trying desperately to make it through the end of the year, and then, maybe I can stay home with her and attempt to make up for the last 8 years and try to be the mommy that I can only hope and pray that I can be. I know we could do better, but I now know that we have to do better or we will be in a heap of hurt. I want nothing more that for her to have the most perfect childhood, and so far she has had an extremely difficult one. I hate myself for not doing better, for not being better and for failing to raise my daughter in the way I know she should be raised. I can only hope that the next two months can go by quickly and that changes can be made in our hearts and our minds to enable us to raise our children the way God wanted them to be raised. I want so much to be able to mold her into a lovely young lady that is pleasant to be around, who knows how to deal with her anger and is a pleasure. I don’t have time to raise her now. Sacrifices are going to have to be made in order to do things the way they need to be done. It may mean no more eating out and no more spur of the moment movie trips, but we can make fun and enjoy each other and learn to be a kid again before it is too late. We have to stop her in her tracks and ensure that what is best for her is happening. It may mean me leaving my job, being home when she gets home from school and reconnecting with her in a way that I haven’t been able to do for years. I don’t think I just want it anymore, I think our family needs it.